For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
God's Word is living and it's full of His promises to us. It's an enormous book riddled with overwhelming love for His children. A novel that says He will always be there for us. He will be there no matter what.
If you weren't blessed with a loving earthly father - you still have a father. One who will never let you down.
If you have allowed yourself or have been forced into being a victim of circumstance, it doesn't matter. God doesn't care what you've done. We have an amazing, loving, and gracious God who isn't afraid to get His hands dirty. It includes any circumstance under the sun, I promise you that. Even if you feel unworthy of His love - you are worthy. Jesus bound the chasm for us between God and His children. You're never "too far gone" for God.
But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses. made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved.) - Ephesians 2:4-5
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus - Romans 3:23-24
No matter what you think about a particular "sin", in God's eyes a sin is a sin is a sin. It's more than our earthly minds can grasp. Kind of like eternity, can you fathom "forever"? Murder, lying, stealing, adultery, cheating in any other way, greed, gluttony, vanity, etc... It's all equally sinful to God. Tough to understand, yeah? All unrighteousness is sin, and there is sin not leading to death. -1 John 5:17
Think of it this way: Parents, do they not love their children in a similar way? No matter what they do you can't stop loving them. So, in a way their wrongs are on the same playing field otherwise one mistake might make you love them less or not at all. Don't confuse disappointment with less love. It's no different for God except that He is exponentially more understanding and gracious. Aren't we His babies?
He will always take us back. He loves us unconditionally.
"There's power in the blood of Jesus and your Father's screaming just come home! He's holding out his hands."
I didn't battle a life of addiction, abuse, overcome any great adversity or anything remotely close. I never had a revelation of God on a specific date or any specific moment. I wish I had a great story about how it all happened; how I found Jesus. There isn't one. He has just been in my heart as far back as my memory recalls. I remember being 5 and having the bible read to me and knowing it wasn't like other stories. It was different, it was serious. He's just been with me from the get go.
My life was planned to end abruptly before it began. By doctors who didn't know the power of Jesus Christ, obviously. They wanted my parents to give their signature to allow me to be taken away and essentially left to die if I happen to emerge with a heartbeat. Doctors told my parents I didn't have kidneys and wouldn't survive. I'm glad Heavenly Father picks our parents, He knew my mother would adamantly refuse such a disturbing request.
I shocked the world. Behold! A 6 week premature, 4 pound princess LIVES! Okay, that might be a tad melodramatic. I shocked the doctors, though. No one knew what was wrong with me but that something was. It was years of being poked and prodded with no answers. Yes, I remember it. No, it wasn't that bad. At age 7 I was diagnosed with Medullary Cystic Kidney Disease it was already pretty advanced from having no "treatment". I use the term loosely, there's no cure and it's progressive with an end result of transplantation. I've suffered from literally every complication and had every symptom of the disease except comas and seizures. Lucky! I'd rather have the whole list of them then either one of those as my only symptom. At 10 my dad gave me one of his kidneys. Thanks daddy :)
Where did you go, Jesus?
I had many complications with my transplant for various reasons. I stayed in the hospital constantly and at 13, I stayed for 6 weeks. This was the first time I felt God was failing me. Where was He?! He was supposed to be there. I stopped eating, drinking, laughing, walking around, and I stopped doing my favorite activities. Everyone thought I was slipping away so the doctors sent me home. Again, no one could find the answer. As I was truly on the verge of giving up, the doctor miraculously found the cause of my downward spiral. I was having an allergic reaction to a medication I had been taking TWO YEARS. What? Well, that's just about the most uncommon thing I've heard.
On fire or.... wait, no maybe not?
God was there the whole time. Just when I was about to give up, I was healed. He needed to bring me to my knees. Does he have my attention yet? Uhm, yes! This situation would make my heart grow for God and know that I can trust Him and rely on Him for everything. It strengthened my faith even more. I was God's girl to the core.
As soon as I was old enough my brother started taking me to youth group. My faith blossomed even more. We went to countless meetings and retreats and my heart was on fire. Just as quickly as it came on, it left. I had to move. I moved to Europe, without either of my brothers and without any friends - I lost the fire. I still considered myself a Christian, but I wasn't sharing God's word. I was a dormant Christian.
Dormant Christian.
I stayed what I like to refer to as dormant for several years. After high school I started dating a boy and let college fall to the wayside. During the relationship, I wanted to be on fire again. I felt the desire for it and I wanted it badly. My boyfriend didn't feel the same. Instead of leaving the relationship to follow my King, I lingered a while until he broke it off. I was devastated. I ignored all signs of the impending doom of the relationship, I held onto it with a deadly grip. I was suffocating myself and the relationship. I started to pray. Intense prayers. At first, "God please make it work, help me change". Then, "Help him change. If he just found you again, everything would be okay". After months of no change a stranger gave me a letter from God. Verses from the bible strategically formed together to create a love letter from our Creator. (Hear what it said) The letter made me want an intimate relationship with my Savior much, much more and I knew I needed to do what He wanted of me to get there.
Praying God's will, not your own.
My prayers changed immediately. "God, please give me an obvious and swift kick in the right direction. Please, end this if it's wrong. What ever you have planned for me, I want it". Shortly after is when he broke it off. Enter God like I've never seen Him before. He was close to me, He was by my side every minute. Just like He promised He would be. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psalm 34:18
I learned that God always comes through on His promises. Even as I sit here typing this God has never let me down. Ever. We can always count on our Heavenly Father. Although it was a painful process I discovered love can't be held onto, a loose grip or an absurdly tight one. Love has to be given freely and you can't change your mold to make someone love you. God already created your mold, it's perfect the way it is. All you can do is change to fit the mold that was made for you. Does that make sense? You can add more paint to change the color, but you can't change the overall image.
Although God was with me, I felt sucked dry of love and all emotion. I prayed He would not allow me to give my heart to another person unless that person was going to protect it. I prayed that I would become the person he was looking for and that I would be ready if I ever found him. I prayed for what integrity and faith he would have. I prayed that I would know it was okay to give THIS person my heart because he would cherish it. I'm so thankful I wrote all these prayers...sometimes it takes a while to see how God has answered them.
Everything changed
At 22 my husband entered the picture. Just like I asked, I knew THIS person is someone special. He was everything I prayed for and so much more.If you ask anything in my name, I will do it. John 14:14
Meeting Daniel was and is the best thing that's still happening to me. He has helped me renew my fire for God as I've done for him. It was obvious from the start but has been confirmed time after time.
This in my humble opinion is the best part.
3 months after our wedding he deployed for the second time. Something inside me knew prayer was going to be VERY important this time. I've always had an incorrect image of prayer. I thought, what difference does it make if I pray? Whatever is destined to happen is going to happen regardless. Ohh how I have looked it at it so incorrectly!
I prayed fervently for the first time in my life. I was in constant prayer - on my knees, sobbing, heart felt prayers. I didn't know what, but I knew something was coming.
I sent countless letters, with prayers and bible verses and encouraging words and pretty pointless ones about life back home. Each time we received a letter from the other, we were in awe at how The Almighty was working in our lives. We were writing THE SAME VERSES to each other. I was talking to my friend about tithing, how I think I should start but wasn't sure how my husband would feel. I opened a letter moments later that had been in my hands. He wrote we should tithe!
This continued until it happened. I received the phone call of my life. It was around 11 am 3 June 2011. I knew the moment he said hello there was something wrong and I started to sweat. He had been shot. All the blood rushed to my head and I exploded into tears. I thought he was dying and wanted to talk one last time. He said he was okay but I didn't believe him. Directly after, Tenth Avenue North - By Your Side came on and I just cried even more. This song had gotten me through first deployment and I hadn't heard it again until after he left the second time. Every time it came on was a moment I was sickened with worry and it was like God was hugging me telling me it was okay. So, when it came on I couldn't control myself.
He had turned his upper body right before getting shot. If he hadn't done that, he would have been shot in the heart. I threw myself on the ground and thanked God repeatedly, I don't even know how long this went on. I have never been more grateful for anything in my entire life. I appreciate every moment I have with him.
This next deployment will be scarier than the others because of what happened but I already know what my lesson will be this year. Putting my trust in my faith.
The last thing I have to share is this:
I've been told I can never have children and that has never phased me. I've never wanted to have children. I love being an auntie and I've been 100% satisfied with that.
God's plan of my life has never coincided with Doctors so it shouldn't have surprised me when I went to the ER for other problems and was told I was pregnant....
We tried to process what this meant. It was going to be a very dangerous and high risk pregnancy, it could result in my death, the baby's or both. The doctor suggested for safety to abort the baby. I'll be honest I wanted to punch him in the face. This is part of a grander plan and I'm not going to stop it from running the course He planned for it.
We started calling everyone, thinking that would get us excited. It did. It was always in the back of our minds this could end tragically. We tried to focus on the excitement of it all. Unfortunately, it was short lived. In my second trimester I experienced what every woman fears. "We can't find the heartbeat". He said I could just have another one. Me wanting to punch doctors in the face was starting to become a theme.
I couldn't comprehend why God would give us something we didn't want only to make us want it and take it away. I was angry. I don't think I understand the capacity of it yet even still. But, I do know if it hadn't happened we would still be thinking we didn't want to be parents. Now, I can't think of a greater joy. That alone is all I need. My story is still in progress. I know He is working on it all coming together even right now. For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
I didn't battle a life of addiction, abuse, overcome any great adversity or anything remotely close... So, I don't usually share my story. However, I realized not being ashamed of our testimonies includes even the ones we feel are insignificant. Our stories are never too small! No matter what it is He can use it to the good for those that love Him.
Every trial leads us to a new revelation of how much we're loved and that we can rely on the Savior for anything and everything. When you feel like the world is crushing you, lean on the One who's always waiting with open arms to comfort you. Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
No matter what happens in my life, I love Him and will follow Him until I meet Him in the sky. What about you?
The thing about being Christian doesn't mean we're the perfect example of everything that is good, or a representation of God's love 100% of the time. We're just privy to a very important fact - that perfection is NOT a requirement to call yourself Christian. In fact, there are no "requirements" per say. There is nothing we could ever do to be worthy of the title.
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I thought now would be an appropriate time as any to share one of many things I struggle with. Loving regardless of reaction. I could apply this to any relationship, either as me being the person reacting negatively to love or being negatively reacted to or some where in the middle.
No one can deny it feels good to let your anger out - but don't you always feel guilty after? I do. Responding to every situation out of love is EXTREMELY difficult sometimes (impossible without God) - but don't you always feel good after? Which sounds better? A little hesitation and maybe begrudgingly at first but the end result is awesome.
God calls us to love one another as He has loved us...Think about that for a minute, just let it sink in. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Jn 15:12
God loves those who love Him and those who reject Him repeatedly. He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him. He came to His own and His own did not receive Him. Jn 1:10-11 He [Jesus] is despised and rejected by men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, and we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem him. Isaiah 53:3
He also wants us to forgive freely. Forgive others as I have also forgiven you... Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you almost must do. Col 3:13 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Eph 4:32
The point is even if you respond out of love people don't always reciprocate but it doesn't matter because we should still continue to react out of love and forgive them regardless of an apology. We'll be on the other side sometimes and I know l hope they'll show me grace.
Just a reminder that I write these things for myself and anyone else who can apply it to their life. So, this is what I'm learning right now - it in no way means I'm good at it....I fall short on a weekly basis if not more frequently. God put it on my heart THROUGH two people (how about that?) I haven't been acting the way He's commanded us and now I'm just sharing that revelation.
Something else I've been mulling over...
I used to think it was a character flaw to have an adaptive personality. Meaning, around people who swear I tend to do it, if I surround myself with gossips I tend to do it. It's not applicable to all personality traits but it applies to enough that it's time to pay closer attention to the people I let in my life. The reason I no longer feel it's a character flaw is because the bible tells us Do not be misled, bad company corrupts good character. 1 Co 15:33. It's not a free pass to act a certain way and then blame it on others, we're in control of our choices... But it makes it a much more difficult choice when everyone else is doing it and making it seem like there "might not be any harm" in it. I believe this entire situation is what God was partially referring to when He said He wants us to surround ourselves with like minded people; to not be unequally yolked. (2 Co 6:14)
Don't feel badly about choosing friends wisely and letting go of ones who negatively influence you. If you have a friend who impacts your life negatively - talk to them and if nothing changes maybe it's time to reconsider the friendship. I don't mean a person who is going through a rough time either...
We can be forgiving without having to subject ourselves to an unsupportive or even emotionally abusive relationship. Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." Mat 18:21-22 We have to be forgiving- we don't have to be doormats. Only you can decide where the line is.
(Thank you Chuck! for helping me get videos right into my blog!
He's trying to change your heart. I read that today and thought it was pretty much perfection.
If you're upset about a phase in your life that makes you feel there's no light at the end - look at the situation with enduring hope. God is nearby and attempting to renew your heart in some way. He's probably just waiting for you to discern it. If you're consumed by your hopelessness, you might just miss it.
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Yesterday activated the process of charting unmarked territory. Sadly and most commonly, I tend to witness to people I know are already Christians. A conversation I had with my neighbor last week has had my mind running loops of things I could have, should have said. Readers digest version - he is waiting to die and doesn't believe in God. I've continually talked myself out of speaking to him on the subject for fear I may offend an angry, old man.
So, what changed my mind? Aside from the obvious answer - God. . . I came across an amazingly, inspiring blog that made me want to immediately take action.
It boils down to this: sometimes we're left feeling like God is ignoring our prayers/request even if we know we're asking His will and not our own agenda. God moves on His own time (But beloved, do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. 2 Pe 3:8...He's not really moving that slowly.) He moves THROUGH us in some cases. So, those times we feel like we're waiting and waiting - we're actually holding out for another person to be obedient to God's request.
Helllooo? Could it be anymore clear? The screen was screaming at me to stop worrying about "what if" and what "might" happen if I reach out to my neighbor. I have the opportunity, nay a spiritual obligation to reach out and plant the seed. I needn't worry about what happens after; God will give the increase.
By the way, witnessing to other Christians is not completely unnecessary. It's like giving someone more water, you can never have too much spiritual or physical nourishment. However, someone who has no water....It goes without saying they need it more.
What I've learned from this and what I would suggest is this: When you feel like God is telling you something do it immediately before you have time to talk yourself out of it. You'll always want to rationalize why you can't do it. "I'm not the best Christian, or even that good of one.. I don't have the bible memorized. I don't know what I could possibly say...They won't listen. I'll make them angry." Where in the bible did God ever use the perfect Christian to do His work? Never. They were all sinners, just like us. God uses the weak and he most definitely uses our past as a testimony to others. You don't have to quote the bible to people - just tell them what God has done for you and how He has changed your heart and your life. That's witnessing.
Most importantly, don't be ashamed of your past, it is your testimony to Christ. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God. 2 Tim 1:8
Challenge: Do it. The next time you have that overwhelming feeling you should say or do something, don't push it aside. God is trying to move through you for someone.
I write this to myself and to others on the same journey...
I've recently deleted Facebook. Shock and awe. It was as if I woke up one day and realized I was wasting a disgusting amount of time on a website that was completely unhealthy for the lifestyle I'm trying to achieve.
At first, I thought I could use it to my advantage to post about things I was learning and going through in my journey. I soon realized it was too tempting to continue to spend loads of precious time reading about the dramas of others lives.
I went 6 months or more without it and decided to get back on for a short period to see if I had changed at all; if I was able to curb the appetite of being overly involved in the business of those on my "friends list". Not so.
After abruptly deleting it yesterday for the second and final time, I realized something about myself... I need the option of being able to get my thoughts out there to talk myself through my journey. Whether or not anyone reads it or cares is irrelevant.
The problem with trying to use Facebook to do something like this was everyone you know already has a preconceived notion of who you are. The people you allow to read your posts are obviously those that you love and vice versa. You limit yourself on how you can change and grow because no matter what anyone says you care how the people you love will react to your change.
If you take this journey with me, some friends will be lost but you'll gain new ones. You'll gain friends that share your same desire to be the person God created you to be.
So, this blog is the beginning of the end - of who I used to be. A woman consumed by anything and everything that is a distraction from a Christ centered life.
I'll leave this advice of change and a challenge -
We can't do it alone, the mind is willing but the body is weak. Be sensitive and responsive to the spirits convictions in all areas of life. Do not be misled: bad company corrupts good character. - 1 Co 15:33 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. - Proverbs 27:5-6 Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins, may they not rule over me. - Psalm 19:12-13
The challenge: If you haven't heard of KLove, check out their website www.klove.com. Try their 30 day challenge of listening to nothing but Christian music for that time and see how God works in your life.
